Bare Knuckle Pickups Forum
At The Back => Time Out => Topic started by: fbloke on June 17, 2011, 12:11:47 AM
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....it makes you cr@p in bed.
Boom, tish. Ithangyou.
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I don't think that we should let this pass.
Lets have some more one-liners - I can't remember the last dedicated gag-thread that we had...
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When my girlfriend said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkess, I thought she must be joking!
And then I saw her face.
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why did nivea cream? because max factor!
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shite happens..
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Bloke goes to the doctor. The doctor says, "You're going to have to stop masturbating." The bloke says, "Why?" The doctor says, "Cos I'm trying to examine you."
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Andy Murray has a new sponsorship deal with Prit-Stick. Apparently he's good on paper but cr@p on every other surface.
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this pirate walks into a bar with a boat wheel on his crotch. bartender asks ''why do you have a wheel on your crotch?'' '' Arrr! it's drivin' me nuts!''
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What do you do if a bird shites on your windscreen? Never ask her out again.
:oops:
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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says, "Make me one with everything."
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*slaps knee*
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How can you tell if a lesbian is butch ? She rolls her own tampons.
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Conversation of two blonds:
,,Hey, do you have a pink clitoris too?''
,,Uhhm, I don't know. My husband is the gardener here!''
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How can you tell if a lesbian is butch ? She rolls her own tampons.
:lol: That's good.
How do you kill a blonde? Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of a swimming pool.
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What does an elephant use for a tampon ? A sheep !
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How do you get a baby out of a blender? With chips(or crisps :roll:).
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What do you call a Dog with Wings ? Linda McCartney
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What's the difference between Sasquatch and Michelle Obama? One's a tall, scary, loud, hairy creature with big feet and the other is Sasquatch.
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What has four legs and one hand ?
A doberman on the children's playground
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what has two legs and bleeds...
...half a dog
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And one of the worst:
What's the difference between a truckload of pingpong balls and a truckload of stillborn babies ?
You'll sure have a hard time unloading a truck full of pingpong balls using a pitchfork...
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Catholic Priest, a doctor and a nurse are running out of a burning Children's ward and the nurse says, "What about the children!?" The doctor says, "Fukk the children!" The priest says, "You think we have time?"
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what is the difference between a catholic priest and a plastic bag? one is dangerous around children, and the other you use to carry your veg.
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At catholic school, all the boys go to the vicar to confess.
The first boy says "Father, I've stolen a pack of crisps from my roommate".
The vicar says "You shall repent your sins, silently pray "Our Father" five times and be forgiven".
The next boy comes in: "Father, I've been drinking alcohol and acted inappropriately"
Vicar : "You shall repent your sins, pray the rosary 3 times and be forgiven"
Suddenly, the vicar gets a phone call and has to leave immediately, so he ask his apprentice priest to finish the confession.
An older boy enters the confessional: "Father, even though me and my girlfriend are not married, she gave me a blowjob"
The young priest is unsure how to assess the penalty, opens his door and asks a waiting schoolboy:" Hey, what does the vicar ususally give for a blowjob?"
"10$ and a pack of cookies"
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Good Lord, what have I started with this post? You lot are a disgrace.
What's the difference between a Ferrari and a dead prostitute?
- I haven't got a Ferrari in my garage.
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Was she a Russian prostitute called, KNICKERSONOROFF.
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What's worse than 10 dead hookers in a dumpster? One dead hooker in ten dumpsters.
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An Aussie rancher comes across a remote farmhouse and finds a girl sitting on the porch.
"D'yer screw" ? he asks. "Not usually" she replies.
"But ya talked me into it ya smooth-tongued b@stard".
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What no new jokes !!!!
Must be a drought on.
What happened to the female streaker with the big jugs at the Rock Gig ? She was thrown out by the bouncers.
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I phoned in sick this morning.
My boss said "How sick are you?"
I Said: "Well, I'm in bed with my Sister..."
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Two nuns in the bath.
One asks the other "where's the soap?".
The other says "yes it does, doesn't it?".
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Two nuns are driving through a forest at midnight when a vampire leaps in front of the car.
The first nun says "show him your cross!"
so the second leans out the window and shouts "OI, You Arsehole get out the road!"
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What's blue and $%&#s grannies?
Me in my lucky blue suit.
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Hahahaha. Blue suit. Very nice. Sort of a twist on the what has two thumbs and knocked up your wife one.
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Was she a Russian prostitute called, KNICKERSONOROFF.
I knew that one as Onya Bakyerbitch
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Self deleted - maybe crossing the line of decency - even for this thread
Can be found here though (NSFW or for the faint hearted)
http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/ (http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7rxyh/collection_of_totally_offensive_jokes_not_for_the/)
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Got this in my spam the other day..
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what went through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!”
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Hahahaha. Blue suit. Very nice. Sort of a twist on the what has two thumbs and knocked up your wife one.
I think the original answer is 'Pneumonia'.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends how hard you throw them.
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Why do black men wear baggy trousers? Cos their Knee grows.
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Why do black men wear baggy trousers? Cos their Knee grows.
Get that out of one of those Nick Griffin Christmas crackers?
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It's word play not racism, how d'you judge baby throwing.
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hear about the ice cream man found in the back of his van... dead... covered raspberry sauce, sherbet, flakes and 100's & 1000's?
topped himself.
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When Rome burned Emperor Nero fiddled on the harp.
Nowadays in Rome the Pope just fiddles on the kiddies.
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what do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
a wooly jumper
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What do you call a bloke with a rabbit stuck up his arse ? Warren.
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I'm sure their where some jokes after my rabbit gag, have been removed. CENSORSHIP that,s a bad word when it comes to comedy.
Maybe some of the gags where too strong for some peoples taste.
Well all I've got to say is this, if you can't handle it don't go onto the joke thread you party poopers.
Anyway here's one for all them luvly lady guitarists out there.
Why do men have a hole in their d1ck ? So oxygen can get to their brain.
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Oroficus,
what makes you think you can come into Tim's house, effectively, and dictate what his customer base deems appropriate?
Tastelessness, which seems to be your forte, is one thing, but 'jokes' about brutalizing women are NOT funny.
If you don't like it, you can take your brand of 'humour' elsewhere.