Bare Knuckle Pickups Forum
At The Back => The Dressing Room => Topic started by: maliciousteve on December 22, 2006, 12:22:57 PM
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This is too good
JOHN CLEESE'S LETTER TO AMERICA
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all States, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, The following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' And 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
2. There is no such thing as " U.S. English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr@p and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps" Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind Of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
15. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
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Marvellous :lol:
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furthermore, these acts are now illegal:
1)Participation in the creation, distribution, purchase or viewing of american "comedy" (curb your enthusasm may be granted a reprieve, if we are asked nicely)
2) assuming that just because there are only 50 million people live in England, we all know each other.
Also, all former american children will be taught there is no such thing as an english accent, but many regional dialects. they will be forbidden from even attemting any of these regional dialects., especially c--kney, and especially in big budget, small minded movies.
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oh yeah, and they should be force fed marmite sandwiches until they admit global warming is a problem, and a man-made one too. Marmite will also be a compulsory ingredient in all fast food, to remind them of this fact and halt the obesity epidemic.
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i love this letter!
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furthermore, these acts are now illegal:
1)Participation in the creation, distribution, purchase or viewing of american "comedy" (curb your enthusasm may be granted a reprieve, if we are asked nicely)
2) assuming that just because there are only 50 million people live in England, we all know each other.
Also, all former american children will be taught there is no such thing as an english accent, but many regional dialects. they will be forbidden from even attemting any of these regional dialects., especially c--kney, and especially in big budget, small minded movies.
english accent? I've heard it referred to a "british" accent more times than i care to recall.
otherwise, :lol:
and we love you really, USA...
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Not too happy about banning US cars. Please make an exception for muscle cars. Why?
1. They're cool.
2. Not all of us can afford an Aston Martin, Jaguar XKR or a Benz V8. (BTW, the last two of those three are probably worse than your average US car.)
3. The Jaguar E-type is no longer produced.
4. They're cool.
While you're at it, raise the US speed limit to 70 MPH.
Thank you.
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But you live in the Netherlands PDT_009 :lol:
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2. Not all of us can afford an Aston Martin, Jaguar XKR or a Benz V8. (BTW, the last two of those three are probably worse than your average US car.)
And the first two are made by Ford... who are American
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I like to drive muscle cars. It would be a shame if they were banned.
One day I'd like to visit the US of A but I will probably get arrested as soon as I start driving a car; I can't drive 55.
Most of the European car brands are owned by US companies, btw.
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and this was locked on the duncan forum... that bunch of nancies got their panties in a bunch, cos they cant take the humour of this.
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Absolutely hilarious
Another example of why the yanks generally dont get the British sense of humour
(not humor)
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It's either over their heads or cause for Bush to invade, I'm not sure yet.
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Very funny! :lol:
As for the global warming, there has always been rises and falls in the earths average temp. It's elliptical orbits you see! It does make a good excuse to tax us though, like this little country will make a difference in carbon emissions!
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oh yeah, well england sucks!
actually, i did find that hilarious.
please notify me if i spelled any words wrong. :roll:
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Effective immediately:
England must return all guitars made in America, esspecially the ones with BK's in them, and send them to: C/O Broken Cord.... :lol:
P.S. Keep your chips
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effective immediately, every citizen of england is required to go to the dentist and get braces.
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oh yeah, well england sucks!
actually, i did find that hilarious.
please notify me if i spelled any words wrong. :roll:
Well your grammer could be better young man! :lol:
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effective immediately, every citizen of england is required to go to the dentist and get braces.
You yanks love your teeth don't you! :roll: You watch too many old brit films!
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effective immediately, every citizen of england is required to go to the dentist and get braces.
You yanks love your teeth don't you! :roll: You watch too many old brit films!
Hey personally I will stick with having brains and working teeth rather than cosmetic dentistry :roll:
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hey my teeth are all real! not even a cavity! and i scored higher than 99% of america on my standardized tests, so either i'm really smart, or the rest of america is really stupid. i'm going with the second one!
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oh yeah, well england sucks!
actually, i did find that hilarious.
please notify me if i spelled any words wrong. :roll:
England has an 'E' :wink:
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hey my teeth are all real! not even a cavity! and i scored higher than 99% of america on my standardized tests, so either i'm really smart, or the rest of america is really stupid. i'm going with the second one!
yer, thing is, when the whole country is lacking somewhat in the intelligence department, then scoring in the top 1% of the population doesn't mean much really does it.
plus your all obese.
(no generalisations there at all.... )
:roll:
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oh yeah, well your country has some good bands!
hmm... atleast we don't have jack the stripper.
and you WISH you had hamburgers!!!
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and just because our president looks and acts like a chimpanzee doesn't mean that the rest of us are retarded!
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Yes that is a fair point thought you elect him and from and outsider's point of view, the choice was somewhat baffling. What am I saying? look who we have as Prime Minister! In the interests of fair play I withdraw that remark. I must admit that my visits to the USA have always been great and you chaps have not done too badly..if only you'd have learned to drive on the correct side of the road. It could have been so much better now you must admit that.
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if I remember correctly it was only the Florida 'recount' (ahem) that swung the vote to B**h.
Of course I'm sure there was no kind of vote rigging going on so I think we should blame The Golden Girls, Crockett & Tubbs, Vanilla Ice and Limp Bizkit(sic).
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The bitchiness in this thread is awesome. It should stay in all good fun though, fatties :wink:
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and just because our president looks and acts like a chimpanzee doesn't mean that the rest of us are retarded!
no.. just the ones that voted for him :lol:
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This is beginning to look alot like John Cleese's USA rant in A Fish Called Wanda. :lol:
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and this was locked on the duncan forum... that bunch of nancies got their panties in a bunch, cos they cant take the humour of this.
How true.
If it'd been something to do with God, Jesus or Religion etc then it would've been kept open so that anyone that has no Religious leanings or interest (such as myself) can be be-littled by everyone that does.
As much as I like some of the people on that forum, it is starting to get far too 'preachy' for my tastes.
This isn't a bash to anyone on that forum (or the forum/company itself) just an opinion that's alongside Daveys original post :)
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and just because our president looks and acts like a chimpanzee doesn't mean that the rest of us are retarded!
no.. just the ones that voted for him :lol:
well were we supposed to vote for Kerry? he was even more retarded. Bush atleast had some experience. Personally, if i was old enough, i wouldn't voted for Ralph Nader, the independent.
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^ experience of skiving war duty?
;)
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experience of being a C student at Harvard Law.
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ah. but kerry had excellent hair, so he gets points for that.
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dude... a rock would be better than bush.
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and just because our president looks and acts like a chimpanzee doesn't mean that the rest of us are retarded!
no.. just the ones that voted for him :lol:
well were we supposed to vote for Kerry? he was even more retarded. Bush atleast had some experience. Personally, if i was old enough, i wouldn't voted for Ralph Nader, the independent.
experience of doing business with the Bin Laden family (ouch!) :roll:
yep, he's an all-American boy.
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atleast he's not a child molestor- that we know of. did you brits hear about the politician who lifted up some kids shirt and gave him a kiss on the belly? crreeepy.
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atleast he's not a child molestor- that we know of. did you brits hear about the politician who lifted up some kids shirt and gave him a kiss on the belly? crreeepy.
I thought that was Pete Townshend.
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and just because our president looks and acts like a chimpanzee doesn't mean that the rest of us are retarded!
no.. just the ones that voted for him :lol:
well were we supposed to vote for Kerry? he was even more retarded. Bush atleast had some experience. Personally, if i was old enough, i wouldn't voted for Ralph Nader, the independent.
We have the same problem here in the UK
We have what looks like an out of control government and NO sensible opposition to vote for.
I cant believe that the other parties cant find someone that we would believe in and be willing to vote for.
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I agree Jonathan-with this lack of someone to vote for, you'd almost think that there was something funny going on and that the major parties are in some sort of "lets not rock the boat" pact but I really don't believe that for a moment.
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Ahhh, the old choise between a turd sandwich and a giant douche.