Bare Knuckle Pickups Forum
At The Back => The Dressing Room => Topic started by: Ratrod on January 10, 2007, 07:27:06 PM
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After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the c--kpit.
S: Something tightened in the c--kpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in c--kpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
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P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Mouse in c--kpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
^Those 3 are my favourites :lol: :lol:
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ahahahahahaaahahhhaha!
yeah those are mine too!
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Ok...straighten up, fly right and be serious.
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That was very funny!!
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:lol:
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That was great Ratty.Whilst we are on a thread with Aviation and Australia as a theme, I remember reading a story, whether true or not I do not know but I would like it to be, of a large queue of people waiting to check in for a flight at an Australian airport. The line was moving slow and one self important man marched to the top of the line and demanded to be checked in immediately.The check in person politely told him he would have to wait his turn and that she was going as quick as she could."Do you know who I am?" he bellowed so that everyone could hear him. She then spoke into her public address mic saying" Assistance required at check-in number (whatever).We have a passenger who doesn't know who he is"
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This was given to us as part of a saftety course at work (british nuclear group, sellafield) as an example of error reporting and unashamed criticism of what you see as faults! Just 20 minutes about quantas in a couple of days of other stuff.
Quantas are safer because the workforce are encouraged to speak up when they think somethings wrong, rather than think its not their place and they'll get in trouble if you say bad things about others work (very common attitude).
Funny stuff! I love it.
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That was great Ratty.Whilst we are on a thread with Aviation and Australia as a theme, I remember reading a story, whether true or not I do not know but I would like it to be, of a large queue of people waiting to check in for a flight at an Australian airport. The line was moving slow and one self important man marched to the top of the line and demanded to be checked in immediately.The check in person politely told him he would have to wait his turn and that she was going as quick as she could."Do you know who I am?" he bellowed so that everyone could hear him. She then spoke into her public address mic saying" Assistance required at check-in number (whatever).We have a passenger who doesn't know who he is"
Thats god-damm hilarious. I really hope its true!
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P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
That one cracked me up. :D
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Heres one that made me smile this week (lifted from email)
Sorry if I lower the tone (as usual)
SMART ARSE ANSWERS
SMART ARSE ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in
front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ARSE ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his Trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir,
I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked an assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ARSE ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
SMART ARSE ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from
complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
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Ok Here is an old classic: not true but highly amusing
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian Coastguard authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
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:lol:
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SMART ARSE ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop
said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
Something similar:
A cop is pulling over a guy for speeding.
Cop: "Weren't you driving a bit too fast?"
Guy: "No sir, I was flying a bit too low."
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Ok Here is an old classic: not true but highly amusing
ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian Coastguard authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.
Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."
Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."
Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."
Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."
Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."
http://youtube.com/watch?v=y_toelZ664c&mode=related&search=
It's an old one, but it's a good one.
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Tower: "Say fuelstate."
Pilot: "fuelstate."
Tower: "Say again."
Pilot: "again."
Tower: "Arghl, give me your fuel!"
Pilot: "Sorry, need it by myself..."
Pilot: "Does the enemy F-16 come from east or west?"
Tower: "Yes."
Pilot: "Yes, what?"
Tower: "Yes, SIR!"
Pilot: Tower, can I have a rough time-check?!
Tower: It is Tuesday, sir!
Pilot: "Tower, request permission to enter zone XY."
Tower: "Negative."
Pilot: "Tower, did you say `negative'?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "Understood `affirmative'. I will call you leaving the zone."
Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: Oescar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm - and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (after a while) "Bratsilava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (after a while) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (after a while) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: Oescar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left 030 and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
Controller: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negativ, Sir. It's only the same pilot."
Controller: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."
Tower: "Lufthansa 893, number one, checkcar on the runway."
Pilot: "Roger we'll check the car on the runway."
Controller: "Flamingo 019, do you have a "Springbock" in sight, twelve o'clock five miles crossing from left to right ?"
Pilot: "If you mean a 737...?"
Controller: "Yeah, you got it, you got it!"
Tower: "Delta Fox Alpha, hold position, Marshall will park you."
Pilot: "Roger. Looking out for John Wayne."
Tower: you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!
Pilot: give us another hint, we have digital watches!
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning!
There are some more at http://www.flugsimulator.de/jokes/jokes.htm
Two of my favorites:
Pilot: There's a runway light burning.
Tower: I hope there's more than one...
Pilot: Uh, sorry... I meant it's on fire.
Tower: Alitalia 194 - taxi to rwy 28, hold short
AZ194: Ahhh, yes, taxi to rwy 28
Tower: AZ194, cleared for take-off
AZ194: Ahhh, two minutes, need preflight (checks)
30 seconds later...
Tower: Alitalia 194, YOU ARE CLEARED FOR TAKE OFF NOW.
AZ194: Ehmmm, yes, yes, take off in two minutes ....
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Tower: Alitalia 194, expedite take-off, we have Delta 767 final on 28 in 2 miles!
AZ194: Ahhh, we need 30 more seconds...
DL104: Hey Spaghetti, take-off or I'll $%&# you from behind!
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The German Coast Guard:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrYRY6kx550