This made my otherwise bad day a bit brighter. Thought you lot might like a laugh. These are letters sent in to Viz:
The person who coined the phrase 'as different as chalk and cheese'
obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.
If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable c--kney
characters are Man Utd supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead .
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I
regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV
in my local.
D Evans, London .
If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures Salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth .
Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting
people? I'm brilliant at it but the most I've ever got is 200 hours
community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield .
They say good manners cost you nothing. utter rubbish. I sent my daughter to
finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan .
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking
world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some
recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .
In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital
cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany ( Berlin ), Argentina (Buenos
Aires), Iraq ( Baghdad ), and Serbia ( Belgrade ). China changed the name
of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will
show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey .
Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK
when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty
arguments begin. I will never understand women.
Mark Ferries, Aberdeen .
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to
the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she 'bravely remained in London
beside her husband' during the war. This contrasts sharply with the
actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately
left his wife and children and naffed off, first to France, then North
Africa, Italy , France (again) and finally Germany .
The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East
End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero
by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the
Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich .
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young
people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up
boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B McDrain, Braintree .
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon
on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing
she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan
Collymore.
M Duckworth, Poole .
So Sting is able to make love to his wife for five hours without going off. I
know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
J Leonard, Hull .
To call Dr Harold Shipman ' Britain 's worst serial killer' is utter
nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based
murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is ' Britain 's best serial killer'. Colin
Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out
not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's
'Worst Mass Murderer'.
Danny King, Balham
I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in
the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one?
K Libretto, Welling
