And buy about, say 50 packets of crisps, bring them into work and proceed to eat them, with my mouth open, all day.
If I ever attain a position of sufficient power, I'm banning crisps from offices.
Oh, and phones too. Or at least ringers. New phones will be commisioned with a bluetooth connection to a silent vibrating alert that you will keep on your person to serve as a signal to pick the phone up. This will be enforced by apparatus that detects the incoming phone calls, identifies the phone that the call is too and its ring tone and produces a sound identical to its ring tone, but 180 degrees out of phase from it, leaving only silence.
A further improvement one could make to the use of phones in offices - a decibelometer on the mouthpiece. Theres no reason to talk so loudly that someone 20 feet away can hear you more clearly than someone speaking normally 5 feet away. Exceed 70db as detected at the mouthpiece and an electric shock will be delivered through the handset.
And pointless conversations. Ones about
- How drunk you've been
- Hotels ("Holidays" but really its hotels)
- Flights (See above)
- Reality TV
- Facebook activity of any sort
Will be the first to go. Attempts to engage in pointless conversations will be met with the "Reading bowler" - an individual employed to stand ready with a pile of interesting reading material, capable of enhancing your understanding of the world and people around you, your imagination or some other facet of your being. The Reading bowler will, on overhearing a pointless conversation, hurl a good book at you in the fashion of a cricket bowler.
Also, I'm going to get a tattoo. It will be on my forehead, and it will read
Telling me the day of the week, which I assure you I already know, is NOT an appropriate answer to "How are you?"
OK, rant over.
