I got this in my inbox...A guide to the Essex Dialect!

[Johnny Mac]

Try reading this phonetically or it won't work!

In the event of finding oneself in the county of Essex (after boarding
> the wrong train, for example, or taking an enforced traffic diversion)
> familiarity with some of the colloquial language in popular usage may
> be helpful.
>
> alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item
>
> amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")
>
> awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely
> lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")
>
> branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look
> branna today, ave you been on a sunbed?")
>
> bruvva - Male relative sharing same parents ("Me bruvva's back in
> court on
> Tuesday")
>
> cort a panda - Large hamburger
>
> dan in the maff- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit dan in the
> maff")
>
> eye-eels - Women's shoes affording significant elevation to the wearer
>
> Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
>
> garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi,
> Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working
> proper,
> innit")
>
> Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island
>
> innit - Modifier, usually at end of sentence, to check or clarify that
> statement is accurate or understood (see "garrij" above - "it ain't
> working proper, innit")
>
> lafarjik- Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")
>
> oi oi! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or
> during banging dance tunes at clubs owssband - Unable to leave the
> house because of illness, disability etc
>
> paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
>
> reband- The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection
> by a loved one ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")
>
> Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in
> the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap
> opera, Eastenders go on holiday
>
> shu' up - Direct request for quiet ("shu' up, I'm tryiner watch
> Eastenders")

 tan - The city of London, the big smoke
>
> war' er - transparent colourless liquid; molecular structure
> characterised by two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom; vital to all
> lifeforms
>
> webbats - Querying the location of something or someone. ("Webbats is
> me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")
>
> wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
>
> zaggerate - To imply that something is bigger or better than it
> actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

[38thBeatle]

Thanks Johnny, that'll be handy when I go to Romford, the place that I grew up in, at the weekend to visit my folks. Having lived in Sussex for so long, I have totally lost touch with the lingo and information such as this proves invaluable.I sense some Essex jokes coming on such as: What do Essex girls use for protection during sex..... a bus shelter. On the rare occasions that I have had the misfortune to see 'stenders, they always seem to be saying "wozzat spost tmean"-guaranteed every time-I beleive it may be an enquiry from the questioner into the meaning of a word, thought or comment of the person with whom the questioner had been conversing but I maybe wrong.

[Fourth Feline]

thanks for that Johnny, it dinarf make me larf . God knows where I would start with Yorkshire  :roll:

[Johnny Mac]

I think there's a horse or should I say 'anorse' (I'm guilty of dropping my 'aiches' as much as the next man) called 'Woncha, Doncha, Concha' or somefink like that! I'll 'ave ta ask my racing obsessed bruvva when 'e get's 'ome frum' work, won't I  :lol:

That would mean to those unfamiliar with this type of accent, Would you? Don't you? Could you?

[Johnny Mac]

Thanks Johnny, that'll be handy when I go to Romford, the place that I grew up in, at the weekend to visit my folks. Having lived in Sussex for so long, I have totally lost touch with the lingo and information such as this proves invaluable.I sense some Essex jokes coming on such as: What do Essex girls use for protection during sex..... a bus shelter. On the rare occasions that I have had the misfortune to see 'stenders, they always seem to be saying "wozzat spost tmean"-guaranteed every time-I beleive it may be an enquiry from the questioner into the meaning of a word, thought or comment of the person with whom the questioner had been conversing but I maybe wrong.

Some of them are gorgeous though ain't they!  :lol: I can't stand Eastenders. Some of my pals households go into a trance for 30 mins during these transmissions! It's utter cack! I was around a friends last Monday and was playing on a running machine whilst it was on and burnt off 80 Calories! Then I put his wife's cat on it and got it up to 8 Mph before it hissed and fell off the end!  :lol: (The cat was fine before i get told off and it likes a walk on it!)  :roll:

[FELINEGUITARS]

HERE'S AN OLD ONE: ........

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday, with its epicentre in
Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the
Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was
such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it
all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the
next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as
normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from
Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots and any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special
Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

***Breaking news***
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, " ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss
that gotta do wiv you?"

**Please do not send tents for shelter,as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of neighbouring areas of Vange, Pitsea and Laindon.

[Johnny Mac]

thanks for that Johnny, it dinarf make me larf . God knows where I would start with Yorkshire  :roll:

Well I'm sure there's some floating around out there somewhere! I like the Glaswegian slang. I've got roots there and in Ireland so anything like that is right up my street. You can buy coffee mugs with Glaswegian slang on. My fav' was one with 'I dinnae ken why ya such a crabbit get so you are'  :lol:

[Johnny Mac]

Jonathon, that is ffiing funny dude!  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol: I'm going to send that back to my mate in Brisbane who used to live in Enfield! That should have him and his wife in hysterics!! Cheers mate!!

[FELINEGUITARS]

I should point out that i used to live in Essex - Witham (near Colchester) and now frequent North Essex as my girlfriend lives there.

Similar variants on that joke exist for different parts of the country
See here

http://www.messybeast.com/dragonqueen/dudleyquake.htm

[38thBeatle]

Dat woz a rite larrf Jon. Carn't wayter show me mum.

[Deadstar]

HAHA great post Johnny Mac, heres a link to an entire glaswegian slang dictionary with the same idea, sad thing is I know exactly what everything means with the need of the description.

http://www.firstfoot.com/php/glossary/phpglossar_0.8/index.php?letter=a

[Davey]

faaakinell!!



that is officialy my favourite phrase!


strangely, i understood the majority of em.. but i guess i'd have major trouble when confronted with such an individual.. hell, i had trouble with londoners on occasion LOL

[dave_mc]

:lol: (at original post)
:lol: (at jonathan feline's post)

good job we didn't do one of northern ireland... at least you can see where some of that essex slang comes from. We just make up (ok, maybe some are old irish/scots gaelic) entirely new, unrelated words for things :lol:

[jt]

:D Speaking as someone who actually lives in Essex

YOUR ALL BAST*RDS !!

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

 :D  8)

[38thBeatle]

Take no heed JT, I am Essex born and bred and Mrs 38th is an Essex girl
( Billericay). I am often on the receiving end of the humour and I don't mind a bit and can usuallly give plenty back as i live among a lot of Sussex inbred grass chewers.I kinda of take a pride in the fact that polictical correctness doesn't apply when taking the p*ss out of Essex because we are all unsophisticated slags permanently out of our heads on Bacardi breezers.