The tale of the Squirrel and the Grasshopper
------------------------------------------------------------------
REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
____________________THE END____________________
THE BRITISH VERSION:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference
and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well
fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper;
with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a
table laden with food.
The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a
country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so
while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights
and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's
house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with
breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall
Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald
that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for
an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and
increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic
Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the
beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken
to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the
work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he
told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish
it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially
mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy
members of society, in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly
imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building
a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as
a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get
to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival
they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain's apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and
attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them
pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return
them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would
face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money
from peoples credit cards.
A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the
squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council
house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain
the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government
funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since
arrival in UK.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to
get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately
because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care
of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state
the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is
increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for
enriching Britain's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the
government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press
blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes
of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of
prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed
when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United
Kingdom.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the
burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their
credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and
order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.
_____________THE END_______________
