Bare Knuckle Pickups Forum
At The Back => The Dressing Room => Topic started by: Dmoney on May 14, 2010, 03:33:31 PM
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And I really feel past it.
Like I've lost all the chances to do the things I want musically, careerwise, in life.
I've lost all interest in everything. I don't really listen to music any more, or play guitar that much, or go to see bands.
I cling on to the idea something might pull me out but I don't know anyone I could start a band with that would have the same goals as I would.
I was reading add's for guitarists wanted and I seemed to be too old for some! not that I was that interested in them anyway.
I have no other interests. I've even drawn a line under messing with amps.
It's my bands last show at the end of the month.
I feel very negative about playing it but I will absolutely do it. Im also partly organising the event.
It sold out in 20hrs. Underworld let us sell 500 tickets. with bands and guests we'll have 600 people there.
(http://deadandgonerecords.com/CMS_images/web-final650.gif)
wasted opportunities.
I hate my job. I need to sort my life out.
someone got me a cake in work and all the people i dislike are eating it (plus some guys i do like)
cheers life.
oh... and David Cameron is the PM.
thanks humanity.
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Seiously mate, quit yer whining
Had to open with that, sorry
Happy birthday.
To your lamentations - I was 28 sunday before last, work a job I'm bored with and have no idea what I want to do with my life longer term (or even tomorrow). On darker days I feel the years I've spent since uni have been wasted, doing a job which is uninteresting and unchallenging (but pays well, so it rather traps you in a confort zone!), and with no obvious objective professionally. Musically, I just bash guitars and occasionally record them; there is no chance and never was any chance of me getting a sucessfull (however one defines that) band. I just do my thing - I enjoy playing, so I play. I couldnt give a $%&# about any 'scene'.
I think youre looking at the whole thing from the wrong end, however. You've mistaken not being a kid anymore for getting old. You've been a card-carrying adult for less than a decade, a recognisable sentient being for perhaps 13 or 14 years (I dont count children as real people). There are only, oh, 5 or so times that to go till your most statistically likely time of death. Life happens in stages, chapters, its time you found your next one (I know this because we're in basically the same situation, mid/late 20s crisis :lol: except one of us whines about it more ;))
Stop thinking about the things that you dont think you can do anymore and the things you hate that youre doing, think what it is you want to do, be prepared to experiment too; it wont kill you. Well, probably not. (I'm trying to follow this advice myself, its not easy, but I still think its good advice).
And 27 is no way no how too old to learn to do ANYTHING else. Its a matter of choosing/finding it.
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It could be worse. You could be 47 today.
Happy birthday! :D
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It could be worse. You could be 47 today.
Happy birthday! :D
Quite!
And if 47, replace with 67, and if older than that (or any age for that matter) replace with 'dead'!
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Watch out sonny, this looks dangerously like a nervous breakdown is on the way - and believe me or else, but this is nothing funny at all. Been here, done that, bought the T-shirt :?
FWIW, I've been thru very similar feelings when I was about your age. Now I'm 43, I'm happy again playing the guitar, looking for gigs for my new band, and just amazed I wasted so much time not doing what I so desperatly need to do however bad I'm at it. So well, I'm not going to be a rock star never - I learned to live with it - but at least I'm alive and rockin' :twisted:
So once again:
Rejoice rejoice
Good tidings I bring you
Hear ye a message to you my friend
Voices cry invoke your angels
When pressure drop it cannot conquer dread no
So blow away your bluesy feeling
Spirits say take the world off you shoulder
One foot in the grave is a foolish step to take
Oh, and Nicolas Sarkozy is the president here. Duh :(
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Having just turned 39, I refuse to sympathise!!!
;)
It's just a rut. The same rut we all get into.
Get out of it.
A very wise man once said:
"If you don't know what to do, do something".
/bullshitee
Mark.
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Having just turned 39, I refuse to sympathise!!!
;)
It's just a rut. The same rut we all get into.
Get out of it.
A very wise man once said:
"If you don't know what to do, do something".
/bullshiteeee
Mark.
:lol:
Love it! Funny for its bluntness, but so true.
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In 10 years time you'd love to be 27. You are a couple of months younger than my eldest son-you make me feel old but I don't give a sh*t.
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Past it my arse. I made a conscious decision not to grow up when I turned 30 and I've had a blast ever since. It comes from acceptance. I accept I'm never going to be a famous racing driver, but I love to play with racing cars so do so. I accept that I really like pie and exercise bores me stupid, so I'm fat. Which not only makes me more boyant than skinny people, but also naturally warmer. I accept that I have a job that I don't particularly like, but in the scheme of things, isn't exactly tough and it pays for my car habit so I tolerate it. I accept that this is my lot in life and set about to enjoy myself as best I can within these parameters. Since then I've had an absolute blast and count my 30's as some of the best times in my life.
Sure there are regrets and there's tonnes of things I'd probably do differently with hindsight. But there's f**k all you can do about that now, so why dwell on it. You are where you are, make the most of it. With the rate at which my body is packing in I'm cramming in as much as I can while I still can. The saddest thing in the world is to get old, have loads of savings and not be able to do anything with them. My plan is to be knackered and broke at that point, but knowing that I had a bloody good time getting there.
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'past it' was a bad choice for a descriptive phrase.
I just don't know what im doing any more.
its been a 6 year rut.
i went to bed at 3pm yesterday and got up for work at 7am today. I used to sleep as soon as i got home from work, in my work clothes, and then wake up the next morning 10mins before i needed to leave to go back to work. I feel like im getting back to that stage.
I've had counselling and been on a few different kinds of anti depressants, and that was before I watched my mum die last year.
I try to do things. I did a new band, we played one show. It was awkward and our drummer quit right after and that was that. I don't really have any interests outside of music and music related paraphernalia to fall back on. So know that playing guitar makes me feel sad, and slightly physically ill, and I can't listen to music for the same reasons, it's hard.
My job involves fixing things TV related on the fly. the last time something happened i just walked out and grabbed a fizzy pop because I didn't care. I've pretty much told my boss I don't have any specific interest related to my job so training, or becoming a specialist in anything isn't on the agenda. I just do enough to get by... or i did. I work with good guys though and i'm grateful for that.
I hit up some places looking for new jobs. I guess thats doing something.
I also went to that martial arts class, but working 10hr shifts (which include nights, early morning, and evenings) on an 8 week rotation doesn't leave much time for regular participation in anything that can't be moved around to fit into my schedule.
I haven't had a drink in 9 years and right now i want to sit in my room and get wasted.
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Take heart, the outlook can be very good.
I 'started again' , bringing more quality to existing relationships, taking my musical interests off in a new and very challenging direction, decided to re-learn my other hobby ( weightlifting ) anew, with a better foundation and (again) completely new direction / ethos at age 51. Add to that, the fact that all the above was taken on / reclaimed after the preceding years / life had been being wrecked and then put in temporary suspension for some years by the chronic 'flowering' of an existing Mental Illness prior to the above 'good bits'.
This current era is turning out to be the most sustainably rewarding era thus far, so much gained. I genuiunely feel more empowered and better equiped at 51 than 21, 31, 41 e.t.c . Looking forward to doing it better in the next couple of decades !
No such thing as absolutely 'wasted' time as such ; just preparatory phases of life that fall away like a shuttlecraft when appropriate. It's all an essential and contributory part of the overall expressive, creative , living journey - including the need for your engines to stall from time to time.
As others have said, I am sure my two ( much younger ) mates that died of Cancer / ran out of time in the last couple of years, would love to be swapping places with you just now, just to hold their loved ones again. The dead envy you.
Time runs out for all of us eventually, so re-charge your batterries, go with the ebb and flow that is the human condition, and jump back in when suitably refreshed. :)
(And , as point of ethics - if you're going to jump, don't land on anybody - it's not their fault ).
* Edit *
At first, your post looked like ( emotive ) 'Spam' for the gig :lol:
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Ever thought of saving all the money you don't find time to spend and going travelling?
I'm sure seeing parts of the world you never knew existed and appreciating new and different things would help you in the journey that is life.
That sounds like a pretty good idea actually, think I may do that myself when I get a damn job.
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yeah it has crossed my mind.
im not untravelled though im not travelled either.
I've worked New Delhi, Belgrade, Istanbul. I spent 2 months living in Delhi.
I've been round germany, parts for italy, belgium, holland.
I've been coast to coast in the US and to toronto, montreal and quebec in canada.
i've thought about trying to find work overseas even. or maybe even internships in places i could fit in between my job in london.
I have a nice bit of money saved, but coming from a family where half way through the week we'd run out of food, I kind of hoard it. Since my Mum died to, my dad got lumbered with a lot of debt and i paid off a few thousands pounds of that. He's a welder/fitter. So my income in a lot more than his, but he looks after my younger brothers and sister. One of my brothers works, the other looks after the family home and my sister who is at high school now. So my job affords the family some economic stabilty should anything serious happen (like it DID happen).
So that basically puts me in state of mind where although I don't have an interest in my job any more, i do value the people around me there, and the security it gives me. So to up and leave would feel irresponsible, no matter how paranoid that may be.
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I have been through more than a few traumas in my time-in fact I have one developing at the moment that is gonna be one of the toughest but one thing I have learned- don't let life take you too seriously. And getting old is better than the alternative. If I can think of any more smart a*se cliches I shall let you know immediately if not sooner.
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hahaha. its ok, when i saw that counsellor i heard them all then... 'so how was your relationship with your dad?' etc
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Looks like you and I have had a similar experience. I was also prescribed anti-depressants and (after they 'failed' to help) sent to a Counsellor, who I though was clueless. After a while and a long wait, I got to see a Phycologist who was much better. He did have a bit of a 'fetish' for CBT, which I still don't think 'works' (YMMV) and I did get lots of questions about my family and childhood experiences.
He did recommend my a book, which I though helped a bit. Got me to focus on things that are important and change some of my 'bad' attitude ...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Paul-Gilbert/dp/1849010986/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273865765&sr=1-1
(it's not the same Paul Gilbert :lol: )
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sounds entirely the same.
only rather than a physcologist, im now seeing sleep specialists.
I have a problem staying awake, but it might be because i never sleep correctly.
I dunno. when all else fails right?
I agree. I don't think CBT works. I used to get totally drained of energy spend all day trying to put myself in a good mood before i knew what CBT was. And if anger was an issue i always had self control. I didn't need to process thoughts or recognise bad ideas.
The first i went to someone about this stuff, i was prescribed books, and told to check out some mood website and do an online depression quiz. After my 'treatment' I was asked if i wanted to go to a pottery class for the depressed... which to me sounds like and EVEN MORE morbid and atrocious version of the film Ghost. Hanging out with depressed potters? jesus... surely i wasn't THAT depressed!
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Looks like you and I have had a similar experience. I was also prescribed anti-depressants and (after they 'failed' to help) sent to a Counsellor, who I though was clueless. After a while and a long wait, I got to see a Phycologist who was much better. He did have a bit of a 'fetish' for CBT, which I still don't think 'works' (YMMV) and I did get lots of questions about my family and childhood experiences.
He did recommend my a book, which I though helped a bit. Got me to focus on things that are important and change some of my 'bad' attitude ...
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Compassionate-Mind-Paul-Gilbert/dp/1849010986/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273865765&sr=1-1
(it's not the same Paul Gilbert :lol: )
This sounds incredibly similar to my experiences with National Health Service re: mental health.
In my case, the cognitive psychotherapist helped because my 'depression' was actually some formed of learned helplessness, originally caused through being laid up ill during term time and never being able to catch up with my course. Once I accepted this, I was able to apply myself to the task of passing finals, and I've ended up being very successful after all.
Prozac is AWFUL if you don't have depression. Counselling is AWFUL whether you have depression or not (good God, if I wanted to be patronised like that, I'd watch the Jackanory twins who present Breakfast on a Friday morning).
BUT
Happy Birthday. Break yourself out of the mental rut you've carved for yourself. No-one else will do this for you, though some may wish, and/or be able to help.
I've listened to a fair bit of your music, and I'm very impressed. If you ever fancy a shift of scenery towards Oxfordshire, give me a bell, I reckon we could make lovely music together :D
Roo
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I apologise for the earlier flippant comment.
Reading this thread, a lot of you guys have been through stuff I can only imagine, and I guess I should be counting my blessings :| . Hope you manage to get through this OK, Dmoney.
(I still feel like I'm a total $%&#up though. Maybe we all are. :? )
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Back from the pub, I have now reached that level of great wisdom that comes only when you have consumed a good number of beers and all I'd say is, it doesn't matter what happens. What matters is your reaction to what happens. I will re read this in the morning and think "what a load of cr*p" but right now it seems a very clear.
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Hmmm morning after: Could have said it a little more poetically but it stands I think. Beer=the oracle of wisdom.
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Happy Birthday and I hope you get things sorted. Sounds like there is no simple fix and saying 'pull your socks up' certainly won't help. I've had few ruts in my life but nothing too serious but the things I've learned that might help are:-
Regular Excercise (you can become more boyant and wamer later on :D). Yoga is very good for a clear mind
Don't smoke weed. You may not but if your susptable to depression it's a one way ticket to a mental mess IMO
Speak to more specialists. The answer to your problems is not always with one person.
Eat well
Don't sleep in your clothes unless you're a Hells Angel. :D
I found that now having a family, full time job, house and all that stuff kind of prevents me from doing all the things I want to do but I seem to get more done and am more into things than I was when I was 27. I went to Australia when I was about that age and had all the time in the world to really get some songs written and better on the guitar but I just seemed to get melancholy and drink every day. Now my life has more of a frame work I make the little bits of Time I do get really count and just do enough to keep my creative side satisfied. (only just!)
Seems when the push of wanting to get something achieved creatively is pushed back by something else it stops things going too far in that direction, stops things getting on a manic cycle.
Like Juansolo said, just accepting things and letting dreams go can be a good step too. You can just enjoy the smaller things then and not worry about the bigger picture.
Probably easier to do with a Westfield and Porsche though!
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Hmmm morning after: Could have said it a little more poetically but it stands I think. Beer=the oracle of wisdom.
Poetic indeed ! Darn close to that line from Hamlet ( the Play, not the pack of tiny cigars behind the bar at the pub ) :
" - for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so".
Which reminds me to say that I generally agree with you - and of course a broad expansion of the basic idea presented above is at the core of Cognitive therapies ; which ( in my experience ) are a somewhat incomplete set of remedial toolls, but can sometimes have their place.
I was put through some intensive / one on one Cognitive Behavioural therapies back in the early - mid 1970's , when the initial writings of Drs Ellis and Harper were the approved 'Manual'. Although the administration of same proved in certain ways useful, it merely put a sticking plaster on a far more serious set of underlying problems. A handy tool to have in the box, but not the complete toolbox / solution that many would have us believe.
In later years, I sometimes find the vestiges of that 'training' useful , ( although those principles ultimately do not of course really aleiviate the underlying biological / pathological problem ) in that the basic principles of C.B.T assist in helping me 'strap the seat belt on' for a rough ride - and / or in part give me benchmarks of perception that sometimes help reveal where my phases of Bi-Polar are sitting or heading.
It is interesting ( and probably supportive to the use of C.B.T. in certain cases ) - that what I perceive as a 'decent spell' is often the same 'stuff' being seen differently by me.
So yes, the 'Beer Oracle' speaketh wisely ! :lol:
* Edit*
Oh, and what Tom said about regular exercise works well on many levels for me : in that there are the basic mood enhancement / health benefits - AND when morale and creative flow are at a very low ebb, it provides an equal and opposite distratction. I enjoy weightlifting and such, not because I think it makes my willy bigger, but because it's so pure, focused and direct. You can / do enjoy the intellectual research and skill learning facets, but in the end, it's just lift / bicycle / run or whatever. The perfect partner(s) to a creative hobby. :D
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Seems some folk are not fans of CBT but all I can say is it worked pretty well for me.
In addition to exercise I'd say diet makes a difference too, mostly by regulating blood sugar levels, aka the types of carb you eat, especially sugar. Could be a placebo but I think it smooths out mood levels. Improving blood sugar levels is basically a case of reducing/removing added sugar and switching from simple carbs like white bread, white pasta, etc to complex ones like wholemeal bread and whole wheat pasta, etc.
Improving blood sugar levels also reduces fat storage, lowers the risk of diabetes and cardiovascular disease :D
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^ I reckon that a Roobubba/Dmoney band might be a thing of beauty!
Go for it!!!
;)
You could call yourselves Bubbamoney.
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Seems some folk are not fans of CBT but all I can say is it worked pretty well for me.
In addition to exercise I'd say diet makes a difference too, mostly by regulating blood sugar levels, aka the types of carb you eat, especially sugar. Could be a placebo but I think it smooths out mood levels. Improving blood sugar levels is basically a case of reducing/removing added sugar and switching from simple carbs like white bread, white pasta, etc to complex ones like wholemeal bread and whole wheat pasta, etc.
Improving blood sugar levels also reduces fat storage, lowers the risk of diabetes and cardiovascular disease :D
Yes; in fairness - C.B.T worked relatively well for me back in the 70s, but was ( understandibly ) not equal to dealing with a major league Psychiatric illness as and when it eventually revealed itself to be such / became more florid.
On the diet front, I also agree - and add E.F.As to the mix, which genuinely seem to help in providing a better basis for the brain's own fatty tissue / composition , conduct in a more efficient and level manner. I cannot say that I have emperically proven that for myself, but it is an area meriting great research just now - and that it would seem to make sense that an organ made of predominantly fatty tissue, would be better able to replenish it's constituent cells better on a diet which is richer in E.F.As - rather than saturated fatty acids.
Meanwhile, I look forward to hearing of the first "Bubbamoney" Gig / collaboration . :)
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To be honest, I am nearing 20 and feel old. Was struggling a couple of months ago, a lot of family had died or become distant, Father had a stroke, Brother + his family being a little down on their health, stopped caring for the girlfriend etc.
I have sleep troubles too, but not that bad at the moment. Sold my car, put family and work first (since I work for family they kinda go together), throw a bit of time at charity, spend my spare time at the pub or just going out - essentially stopped really caring about myself and thinking about myself. It does sound stupid, but I am sleeping better, and am appreciating life more.
I even managed to lose more weight despite eating lots more sh!t food :?
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Happy birthday mate!
It does look like your not alone.
I'm 45 this year, I'm still trying unsuccessfully to get a band together. 6 of my mates are dead and 3 emigrated. I never got on with my Dad when I was your age but I do now. I wanted to be a photographer and had lots of photos published over the years and made a few quid from it. I drive skip lorrys, tippers and roll ons now. Last year one if those things nearly killed me. Do you know what? Right now I've never been happier. It's the woman I'm with and the things I do.
Good luck with this. I've been really depressed before and there is always a way out. If your not happy with the current PM, don't worry about it. Just look after No1 for a bit. Like someone said about spliffs. Give them up if you do that. I smoked that shite for years and it just $%&#s you up. I gave up tobacco too. Taking up exercise will give you the quickest way out of the this cycle. Good luck, worse things happen at sea.
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Sorry to hear you feel like that, I hope things take a turn for the better.
Happy birthday too. And you're not past it until you're at least 29.
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And I really feel past it.
Like I've lost all the chances to do the things I want musically, careerwise, in life.
I've lost all interest in everything. I don't really listen to music any more, or play guitar that much, or go to see bands.
This sounds too much like... me. I turned 27 a couple of months ago. I feel old as well. Part of me is still clinging defiantly to childhood, when all the people I knew in school, are married and/or have kids. Then things feel really bleak when my thoughts turn to the fact that I'm 27 and still live with my mum and stepfather.
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And I really feel past it.
Like I've lost all the chances to do the things I want musically, careerwise, in life.
I've lost all interest in everything. I don't really listen to music any more, or play guitar that much, or go to see bands.
This sounds too much like... me. I turned 27 a couple of months ago. I feel old as well. Part of me is still clinging defiantly to childhood, when all the people I knew in school, are married and/or have kids. Then things feel really bleak when my thoughts turn to the fact that I'm 27 and still live with my mum and stepfather.
Dude I can trump that. Due to circumstances and the housing market, as am I, and I'm significantly older. Sure I had a while away living with the girlfriend but when that all fell apart I found myself in the position where house prices had all gone mental and I could no longer afford the house I wanted to buy without sacrificing all my interests and becoming a slave to it. My other problem is that I don't see the intrinsic value of houses. They're just a box to live in that I can't get excited about and for that reason I find spending shiteloads on one when I currently don't need to, not particularly enticing.
Luckily I really get on with my parents and indeed, since I got older have connected even more with them (particularly my dad as we share a lot of interests). As such they've never pushed me out and as we all give each other plenty of space, I've never felt the need to leave. Still the option is there. In fact the cars are really just my saved up house deposit made metal (wasn't making any interest in the bank so why not). All you have to deal with really is the stigma that comes with living with your parents when you're older. *shurgs* at this point in time, it works for me.
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The price of houses means many people will be living with parents a lot longer. In Spain this is normal where families all live together. Perhaps we should be more like that.
If interest prices go up significantly we''ll be back living with parents with 2 kids as we'll have no choice. But it would be okay.
It doesn't matter what other poeple are doing, just about what you are doing and either accepting the situation or changing it.
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A lot of what Dmoney (and others) are saying here is pretty familiar ground for me to.
I also lost my mum last year, in March, after she'd suffered with a brain tumor since the previous August. She'd had two operations and a course of radiotherapy, and having to see her going through that knowing there was nothing I could do to help was very difficult to take. She died at home, with my dad and I there. Seeing that is without a doubt the single most difficult thing I've ever done, and it's a memory I'll carry until my dying day.
Then in June last year, I was made redundant from my job as newspaper sub-editor, via a 'skills matrix' system (rather than last in, first out), which took no account of the effect my mum's death had had on my performance, or the fact I hadn't missed a single day's work throughout it.
I was out of work for six months, during which I lost interest in most things - picked up a guitar infrequently because I was p!ssed off at all the money I had tied up in them, couldn't be bothered to keep myself in decent shape or eat properly.
I've had counselling to deal with bereavement, which I've found very useful to be honest - without it I'm reasonably sure that the anger I had at the situation would have got the better of me at some point.
My friends also played a huge part in helping me through it, and they still are to a large extent. I'm back working now, in the third sector not journalism - meaning I've abandoned the career I wanted since I was 16 - but it's a good job which should hopefully have a good career path to it.
I'm also trying to get fit again, and playing guitar is giving me a real buzz for the first time in a long while. Fortunately I never lost interest in music itself, but I understand how it can happen.
Not everthing's perfect now by any means - I turned 29 on May 16, and it's that stage of life where most friends are long-term coupled up, engaged or getting married (there are 2 sets of friends' weddlings this month alone), whereas I'm perpetually and unhappily single. But hopefully that will change.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is possible to come through these things. I'm not through it yet, but I'm getting there. There's no simple answer by any means, although some of the advice already given, about diet, excercise and sleep in particular, is very sensible.
I hope things get better for everyone here who's had or is having a rough time.
Si
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A lot of what Dmoney (and others) are saying here is pretty familiar ground for me to.
I also lost my mum last year, in March, after she'd suffered with a brain tumor since the previous August. She'd had two operations and a course of radiotherapy, and having to see her going through that knowing there was nothing I could do to help was very difficult to take. She died at home, with my dad and I there. Seeing that is without a doubt the single most difficult thing I've ever done, and it's a memory I'll carry until my dying day.
Then in June last year, I was made redundant from my job as newspaper sub-editor, via a 'skills matrix' system (rather than last in, first out), which took no account of the effect my mum's death had had on my performance, or the fact I hadn't missed a single day's work throughout it.
I was out of work for six months, during which I lost interest in most things - picked up a guitar infrequently because I was p!ssed off at all the money I had tied up in them, couldn't be bothered to keep myself in decent shape or eat properly.
I've had counselling to deal with bereavement, which I've found very useful to be honest - without it I'm reasonably sure that the anger I had at the situation would have got the better of me at some point.
My friends also played a huge part in helping me through it, and they still are to a large extent. I'm back working now, in the third sector not journalism - meaning I've abandoned the career I wanted since I was 16 - but it's a good job which should hopefully have a good career path to it.
I'm also trying to get fit again, and playing guitar is giving me a real buzz for the first time in a long while. Fortunately I never lost interest in music itself, but I understand how it can happen.
Not everthing's perfect now by any means - I turned 29 on May 16, and it's that stage of life where most friends are long-term coupled up, engaged or getting married (there are 2 sets of friends' weddlings this month alone), whereas I'm perpetually and unhappily single. But hopefully that will change.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is possible to come through these things. I'm not through it yet, but I'm getting there. There's no simple answer by any means, although some of the advice already given, about diet, excercise and sleep in particular, is very sensible.
I hope things get better for everyone here who's had or is having a rough time.
Si
That was a very engaging narrative ( not surprisingly - given your last 'Day job' ) . I also thought it demonstrated / outlined very helpfully and clearly, the 'Way out of the woods' - and how naturaly slow that process often is. Slow , but in the way that to benefit from the lessons gleaned - and for the process of regeneration to sit on good foundations , is actually better moving at a sustainable ( as opposed to our prefered ) pace . It is easier to say with hindsight, but ( I feel ) important to emphasise that what often feels like an erratic and slow recovery, is usually a more comprehensive recovery - and that better things follow after, than before - to this 'New' person we evolve into.
I remembered the best advice I was ever given ( which I carried out dutifully , but uncomprehending of it's true value at the time ) - by A Psychiatric constultant when hospitalised in the early 80s . He told me to do my hobbies as usual. At the time, I was just alternating between numb and anxious - and so resisted this idea.
I said to him :
" But I don't feel anything when I do them anymore - there is no connection " .
His reply was :
" I am not asking you to do them and feel anything, I'm telling you to DO them ! ".
It was a clever ruse of course, as the connections came back, neural pathways needing to be 'tickled' to re-start, whether I knew / felt / understood why or not. Of course doing the things in a state of apathy , fear and futility felt more 'uncomfortable' than leaving them alone in the early weeks and months, but it worked.
We are at least fortunate that we have our beloved hobby / hobbies to return to, and with music, one that often gets stronger and more enjoyable after letting the pasture go fallow for a length of time.
I think the greatest message I felt from your particular story ( in respect and reverence to all that preceded too of course ) - was that we were sharing the narrative of a natural / healthy 'Life Cycle' of loss - and recovery ; that the narrative had not only a common, painful core - but that it radiated outwards and shone forward, toward the reasonable expectation of something better .
Not least the Nobility shown in the story of looking after your Mum - and unflinchingly persevering in "Doing the right thing " for a loved one. Also your good wishes to the preceding contributors showing continued 'greatness of spirit'.
The stories presented in this thread, reminding us of the universal nature of these experiences - and that there IS a way forward. As an old Japanese (?) proverb reminds us :
" Fall down eight times, stand up nine".
All the very best with your own carreer and the eventual meeting of a nice partner.
:)
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chin up bruv and happy birthday!
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Not everthing's perfect now by any means - I turned 29 on May 16, and it's that stage of life where most friends are long-term coupled up, engaged or getting married (there are 2 sets of friends' weddlings this month alone), whereas I'm perpetually and unhappily single. But hopefully that will change.
I was feeling OK but now you're getting me depressed.
Time to Cheer Up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RADLnC05A-A&feature=fvsr (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RADLnC05A-A&feature=fvsr)
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Not everthing's perfect now by any means - I turned 29 on May 16, and it's that stage of life where most friends are long-term coupled up, engaged or getting married (there are 2 sets of friends' weddlings this month alone), whereas I'm perpetually and unhappily single. But hopefully that will change.
i'm 30 years old, only one of my close friends is married ;)
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I'm 32 and several of mine are divorced ;) actually, this is an important fact for people in their mid-late 20s feeling down about their relationship status. There are WAY more available good looking 30 year old women than 25 year old ones, as the 25 year olds are all loved up with some loser who they've split up with by the time they're 30.
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CBT is useful, but sometimes you need an event to change your perceptions enough for it to work. I used to be crippled by low self esteem in my late teens, early twenties and had CBT when I was about 20. It helped me to get by on a day by day basis, but I found that I wasn't able to really change my life until a few years later when I was in a very bad place with a girl. I spoke to a couple of my close female friends about it, and they gave me a fresh (and better) perspective on the situation. This allowed me to completely (seriously) shed the assumed victim role and I've not looked back since (and these days, I wouldn't touch that girl with Afghan Dave's).
i find it interesting that someone talked about controlling anger. Many people with low mood and self esteem feel the need to keep their anger restrained, as if it's something to be ashamed of and should be kept hidden (maybe it enforces a negative belief that they're a bad person). Personally in my new life I've found that appropriate (important caveat there) expression of anger to be very positive. My life changed when I learned to be pissed off at people for treating me badly.
If you don't get on with CBT try NLP, which kinda does the same thing in a different way. Rather than trying to fix all your personality problems you basically just fake it 'til you make it, until the new behaviours become your normal behaviour.
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I'm 32 and several of mine are divorced ;) actually, this is an important fact for people in their mid-late 20s feeling down about their relationship status. There are WAY more available good looking 30 year old women than 25 year old ones, as the 25 year olds are all loved up with some loser who they've split up with by the time they're 30.
An "Amen " to that ! :)
The 'accidents' seem to happen early, the real relationships seem to happen later. The effect multiplies into the 40s 50s e.t.c - especially as we begin to slow down, take stock - and realise that quality wins over quantity anyday . :D
The future is indeed brighter than most imagine. Just make sure that you have been working on what you have to offer as a person, in order to merit the potential 'Ms Right' when she arrives . :)
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CBT is useful, but sometimes you need an event to change your perceptions enough for it to work. I used to be crippled by low self esteem in my late teens, early twenties and had CBT when I was about 20. It helped me to get by on a day by day basis, but I found that I wasn't able to really change my life until a few years later when I was in a very bad place with a girl. I spoke to a couple of my close female friends about it, and they gave me a fresh (and better) perspective on the situation. This allowed me to completely (seriously) shed the assumed victim role and I've not looked back since (and these days, I wouldn't touch that girl with Afghan Dave's).
i find it interesting that someone talked about controlling anger. Many people with low mood and self esteem feel the need to keep their anger restrained, as if it's something to be ashamed of and should be kept hidden (maybe it enforces a negative belief that they're a bad person). Personally in my new life I've found that appropriate (important caveat there) expression of anger to be very positive. My life changed when I learned to be pissed off at people for treating me badly.
If you don't get on with CBT try NLP, which kinda does the same thing in a different way. Rather than trying to fix all your personality problems you basically just fake it 'til you make it, until the new behaviours become your normal behaviour.
Interesting that you should mention N.L.P - as my 'favourite' G.P is also a N.L.P lecturer . I have not undergone the process directly, but she certainly turned me around by example / by osmosis as it were. I only found out by accident she was 'close to the core' of N.L.P - but a great and ongoing verbal / professional relationship has (for me ) proved that whatever 'Verbal Voodoo' she has been doing, has proved effective. As I trust her, I was (at first unconciously) trying to deal with attitudes and challenges " In the style of ... " which made me feel her approach in day to day applications.
Also, I must say that having ( the right sort of ) good female friends - and absorbing the perspectives thereof, has also been instrumental in learning endurance, perspective and tenacity. :D
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I'm 32 and several of mine are divorced ;) actually, this is an important fact for people in their mid-late 20s feeling down about their relationship status. There are WAY more available good looking 30 year old women than 25 year old ones, as the 25 year olds are all loved up with some loser who they've split up with by the time they're 30.
Maybe, but the 30 year olds have a very good chance of coming with a clutch of horrible gobby soon-to-be-teenagers. :?
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A majority of the mid 20s folk in relationships that I know seem to argue when no ones around, sure the companionship of a relationship is nice but other times they are just really stressful.
To find a special someone you have to get out there and create opportunities to meet them.
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I'm 32 and several of mine are divorced ;) actually, this is an important fact for people in their mid-late 20s feeling down about their relationship status. There are WAY more available good looking 30 year old women than 25 year old ones, as the 25 year olds are all loved up with some loser who they've split up with by the time they're 30.
Maybe, but the 30 year olds have a very good chance of coming with a clutch of horrible gobby soon-to-be-teenagers. :?
:lol:
That's exactly why it gets even better / is worth waiting a decade (or two ) later on ... :wink:
Gobby Gremlins gone ! ( or at least at a distance ) :lol:
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Blimey, you mean I should wait another 5-10 years (by which time I may well have no hair and no ability to see my feet when standing on the bathroom scales).... then I might have a chance of pulling a 50-year-old with bingo wings?
The future's not bright.
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I'm 32 and several of mine are divorced ;) actually, this is an important fact for people in their mid-late 20s feeling down about their relationship status. There are WAY more available good looking 30 year old women than 25 year old ones, as the 25 year olds are all loved up with some loser who they've split up with by the time they're 30.
Maybe, but the 30 year olds have a very good chance of coming with a clutch of horrible gobby soon-to-be-teenagers. :?
Average age of pregancy in the UK is 29.1, there are plenty of childless 30 year old women out there.
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I'm 32 and several of mine are divorced ;) actually, this is an important fact for people in their mid-late 20s feeling down about their relationship status. There are WAY more available good looking 30 year old women than 25 year old ones, as the 25 year olds are all loved up with some loser who they've split up with by the time they're 30.
Maybe, but the 30 year olds have a very good chance of coming with a clutch of horrible gobby soon-to-be-teenagers. :?
Average age of pregancy in the UK is 29.1, there are plenty of childless 30 year old women out there.
Yeah, but they're all high fliers who are concentrating on their careers before quickly popping out a couple of future captains-of-industry just before their biological clocks run out. Not at all the type to be interested in no-hopers like me. :lol:
I have a, er, "friend" who may occasionally look at online dating sites.... One thing I've my friend has noticed is that women in their 30s and 40s are no longer looking for older men - they're going just a few years either side of their own age, with the emphasis, if anything, on younger.
I always used to think my time would come in my 40s - I've always looked young for my age, at 25 I could probably have passed for about 12 - but now it's looking like the best I can hope for is a moderately rich widow. Bah! :(
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Good to hear that some have had success with counseling, CBT, etc. :)
I always used to think my time would come in my 40s
I'm 38 and still dreaming that'll come true :wink:
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Philly, Plexi Ken listen up my friends. I've been internet dating for 10 years and had more dates than I can remember. My hit rate for want of a better phrase is around 50%. I'm with someone lovely right now and want it to work out long term. I always wanted to find someone i clicked with but its a lottery. This can be good as you WILL meet women who will want to be with you, its not always a case of they won't like you. You will meet women who you won't like too. One thing, there are women who like your kinds of music and there are a lot more who don't. Its not always that they have a closed mind, just lack of exposure. Girls do love something they can dance to. Most are just built that way. They do like a man with a passion for things he loves.
It doesn't mean that you have to go clubbing though. Most have done with all that in their 30s and 40s. What they want more than anything is sex! You have to get over the 1st internet date nerves but after a few its easy and your confidence will soar. I was nervous the first time i had a blind date and as it turned out she had been on loads and was very gentle. For a bit... 8)
Pub dates = drunk or in a tipsy state, things can happen very quickly if they like a few glasses of wine. Most girls these days drink more units of alcohol than men.
Coffee shops are a good alternative. Caffine can make some people jibber jabber like a crazy fool though. There is always De-Caf.
Then the arty types may like a gallery or museum but be aware of pretentiousness!
Think about what it is your looking for.
If you own property be very very aware of gold diggers. Especially ladies from other countrys. I'm of course not generalising but if you have seen the damage I've seen because of this then you would understand.
Good luck and relax. Don't let life pass you by. What's the worse that can happen?
:D
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One thing, there are women who like your kinds of music and there are a lot more who don't. Its not always that they have a closed mind, just lack of exposure. Girls do love something they can dance to. Most are just built that way.
That's one thing I have realised. I'm not sure I find women who like my kind of music attractive anyway, generally speaking....
It doesn't mean that you have to go clubbing though. Most have done with all that in their 30s and 40s. What they want more than anything is sex!
Good grief man, I'm nearly 46, d'you think I can deliver on that front? :? :(
If they want sex they'll have to go hire a young Burmese houseboy looking for a green card.
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One thing, there are women who like your kinds of music and there are a lot more who don't. Its not always that they have a closed mind, just lack of exposure. Girls do love something they can dance to. Most are just built that way.
That's one thing I have realised. I'm not sure I find women who like my kind of music attractive anyway, generally speaking....
It doesn't mean that you have to go clubbing though. Most have done with all that in their 30s and 40s. What they want more than anything is sex!
Good grief man, I'm nearly 46, d'you think I can deliver on that front? :? :(
If they want sex they'll have to go hire a young Burmese houseboy looking for a green card.
Women will expect you to like bloke music. They wont think much of you if you listen to J-Lo going on about the rocks that she's got and coming from the block (she never). If you like ACDC then she'll understand. On her level they are behind the Ironman film her son wants to see/seen and loves.
You like football and guitars. These are man things and they expect you to like stuff like this. The guitar bit may intrigue her as lots of kids want to play them now. You could teach hers. These are things that happen to me based on dates I've had. They can happen to you too Phil.
As for the other points. You keep yourself reasonably fit by running. That's a 100% more than most blokes do. You also don't smoke. Another + point to you and your a light drinker. The chicks won't be able to keep away once you put yourself out there.
Try Planet Rock Dating (it worked for me)
Also keep away from dating direct, there are too many fussy jaded women on there.
Give Girls date for free a go, its self explanatory! Their ratio for full male members to women is very high, so more chances, lots more.
Go on Phil if you start this summer by Christmas you will be a looking back thinking why didn't do this before. You will!
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Planet Rock Dating, eh? I wasn't aware of that.
We'll see...
(and I guess you know by now what that means in Philly Q speak! :lol: )
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Planet Rock Dating, eh? I wasn't aware of that.
We'll see...
(and I guess you know by now what that means in Philly Q speak! :lol: )
http://www.planetrockdating.com/
There's Planet Rock Extreme dating too.. http://rockxdate.com/ ...better the Devil you know!
In terms of 'Getting Knee Deep In Clunge' your better off imo in Girls Date For Free! :lol:
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There's Planet Rock Extreme dating too.. http://rockxdate.com/ ...better the Devil you know!
Oh Jesus, no $%&#ing way! :o :o
Is it anything to do with Planet Rock radio? Doesn't look like it.
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There's Planet Rock Extreme dating too.. http://rockxdate.com/ ...better the Devil you know!
Oh Jesus, no $%&#ing way! :o :o
Is it anything to do with Planet Rock radio? Doesn't look like it.
Only in name. Basically there is a platform dating site out there called white label dating. If you want to start one of your own then a few entrepreneurial people have used this, including planet rock, yes its the radio station. BUT! Its only in name, it links you up with all the other branded sites using this platform so you do get ahem...a lot of bang for buck. But that's the whole point of it anyway!
Try one, its the only way to meet women if you don't go out that much. You don't want to leave it until you join the local Bowls club now do you! :lol:
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Try one, its the only way to meet women if you don't go out that much. You don't want to leave it until you join the local Bowls club now do you! :lol:
Actually Bowls may be more my speed than all those scary Readers Wives types on that site... :?
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Try one, its the only way to meet women if you don't go out that much. You don't want to leave it until you join the local Bowls club now do you! :lol:
Actually Bowls may be more my speed than all those scary Readers Wives types on that site... :?
Live now Phil, you'll regret it if you don't!
(I've just bid on your Warmouth and tele neck!)
Those Readers Wives types are just as nervous as meeting people online as anyone else. Its just a front, as they think it puts men on the back foot and they can control them like putty in their hands. What you have to do is see through the hype and get things on your terms. That's how I play it now and it always works for me. Trust me, I can help you!
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:good:
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:good:
Wish me luck as they look lovely! (The Guitar Parts!)
I just edited the ^ above.
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Those Readers Wives types are just as nervous as meeting people online as anyone else. Its just a front, as they think it puts men on the back foot and they can control them like putty in their hands. What you have to do is see through the hype and get things on your terms. That's how I play it now and it always works for me. Trust me, I can help you!
Well, appearances may be deceptive, I grant you.
But I'm a "friendship possibly leading to romance" type. Those gals look like they want Mandingo.
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....Those gals look like they want Mandingo.
:lol: :lol: Now we know what sites you visit when not on this fine forum. :lol: :lol:
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take up yoga or salsa classes, lots of women there apparently, you don't need to worry about drunks or being heard over loud music either
I heard online dating was full of women who won't settle for less than mr perfect or just liked the attention
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take up yoga or salsa classes, lots of women there apparently, you don't need to worry about drunks or being heard over loud music either
I heard online dating was full of women who won't settle for less than mr perfect or just liked the attention
There is an element of that online but it's not all like that. There would be girls in salsa classes who would want perfect dancers and pecs Ect. The key to the online dating game is to be yourself and speak to them like you would in the real world. Be a gent basically. Most of the competion (other blokes) just sleaze the women up and fail. Your on an advantage just by being pleasant. It's as easy as ABC. Really it is.
Dave, you've never used these sites? Your missing out! :lol:
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....Those gals look like they want Mandingo.
:lol: :lol: Now we know what sites you visit when not on this fine forum. :lol: :lol:
The film, the film! :lol: Haven't even seen it, it was just a big Daily Mail-style talking point when I was a kid.
take up yoga or salsa classes, lots of women there apparently, you don't need to worry about drunks or being heard over loud music either
I'd choose yoga over salsa then. Me trying to dance would be just a world of stress and embarrassment. :?
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....Those gals look like they want Mandingo.
:lol: :lol: Now we know what sites you visit when not on this fine forum. :lol: :lol:
The film, the film! :lol: Haven't even seen it, it was just a big Daily Mail-style talking point when I was a kid.
I'm not sure if the Mandingo that Afghan is referring to would make it on to the pages of the Daily Mail :D
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take up yoga or salsa classes, lots of women there apparently, you don't need to worry about drunks or being heard over loud music either
I heard online dating was full of women who won't settle for less than mr perfect or just liked the attention
I met my wife at a salsa class 8)
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....Those gals look like they want Mandingo.
:lol: :lol: Now we know what sites you visit when not on this fine forum. :lol: :lol:
- it's certainly a reminder what lengths these Ladies are willing to go to, in finding a suitable man. :mrgreen:
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take up yoga or salsa classes, lots of women there apparently, you don't need to worry about drunks or being heard over loud music either
I heard online dating was full of women who won't settle for less than mr perfect or just liked the attention
I met my wife at a salsa class 8)
see, I know what I'm on about! A single positive response is enough to validate my knowledge ;)
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take up yoga or salsa classes, lots of women there apparently, you don't need to worry about drunks or being heard over loud music either
I heard online dating was full of women who won't settle for less than mr perfect or just liked the attention
I met my wife at a salsa class 8)
see, I know what I'm on about! A single positive response is enough to validate my knowledge ;)
It is interesting that even in the small number of people reading this thread there's someone who got a "result" from going to salsa classes (even if statistically it proves nothing! :wink: )
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Salsa and is it Baroc? Do seem to be very popular. There is so much going on out there besides the pub! :lol:
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i can't believe there's such a big market for teaching people to make sauces
(sorry, even i'm embarassed by that one :oops: )
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Salsa and is it Baroc? Do seem to be very popular. There is so much going on out there besides the pub! :lol:
Ceroc, it's salsa for people who can't count in 4:4 time (insert drummer joke here) ;)
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Salsa and is it Baroc? Do seem to be very popular. There is so much going on out there besides the pub! :lol:
Ceroc, it's salsa for people who can't count in 4:4 time (insert drummer joke here) ;)
Ah! That would be good for Paul, the drummer in the 'band' I'm in.
Some chick wanted to whip him at rehearsals last week :lol:
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That was a very engaging narrative ( not surprisingly - given your last 'Day job' ) . I also thought it demonstrated / outlined very helpfully and clearly, the 'Way out of the woods' - and how naturaly slow that process often is. Slow , but in the way that to benefit from the lessons gleaned - and for the process of regeneration to sit on good foundations , is actually better moving at a sustainable ( as opposed to our prefered ) pace . It is easier to say with hindsight, but ( I feel ) important to emphasise that what often feels like an erratic and slow recovery, is usually a more comprehensive recovery - and that better things follow after, than before - to this 'New' person we evolve into.
I remembered the best advice I was ever given ( which I carried out dutifully , but uncomprehending of it's true value at the time ) - by A Psychiatric constultant when hospitalised in the early 80s . He told me to do my hobbies as usual. At the time, I was just alternating between numb and anxious - and so resisted this idea.
I said to him :
" But I don't feel anything when I do them anymore - there is no connection " .
His reply was :
" I am not asking you to do them and feel anything, I'm telling you to DO them ! ".
It was a clever ruse of course, as the connections came back, neural pathways needing to be 'tickled' to re-start, whether I knew / felt / understood why or not. Of course doing the things in a state of apathy , fear and futility felt more 'uncomfortable' than leaving them alone in the early weeks and months, but it worked.
We are at least fortunate that we have our beloved hobby / hobbies to return to, and with music, one that often gets stronger and more enjoyable after letting the pasture go fallow for a length of time.
I think the greatest message I felt from your particular story ( in respect and reverence to all that preceded too of course ) - was that we were sharing the narrative of a natural / healthy 'Life Cycle' of loss - and recovery ; that the narrative had not only a common, painful core - but that it radiated outwards and shone forward, toward the reasonable expectation of something better .
Not least the Nobility shown in the story of looking after your Mum - and unflinchingly persevering in "Doing the right thing " for a loved one. Also your good wishes to the preceding contributors showing continued 'greatness of spirit'.
The stories presented in this thread, reminding us of the universal nature of these experiences - and that there IS a way forward. As an old Japanese (?) proverb reminds us :
" Fall down eight times, stand up nine".
All the very best with your own carreer and the eventual meeting of a nice partner.
:)
Thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it. The discussion has (ahem) moved on, but I felt it was important to say.
You've also absolutely hit the nail on the head about the erratic nature of recovery - the pace is so personal and there is no timetable.
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Philly, I've found your woman! :D :D
She has Coverdale quotes in her profile. Musically she is as near as your going to get without the whole lifestyle dress code. Likes reading and movies. Looks nice, right side of 40 too!
http://www.girlsdateforfree.com/member.profile.php?oid=66855218
Go on Phil, you know it makes sense! So shall I put me suit in the cleaners for the big day! :lol:
:D
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Philly, I've found your woman! :D :D
She has Coverdale quotes in her profile. Musically she is as near as your going to get without the whole lifestyle dress code. Likes reading and movies. Looks nice, right side of 40 too!
http://www.girlsdateforfree.com/member.profile.php?oid=66855218
Go on Phil, you know it makes sense! So shall I put me suit in the cleaners for the big day! :lol:
:D
Nah, don't get it cleaned yet John, it'll only get dusty again in the meantime!
She looks and sounds nice (despite the Coverdale quote! :lol: ). A lot taller than me though!
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(http://andthismakesaheartbeat.files.wordpress.com/2010/01/44663-whose_story_continue_40_year_old_virgin.jpg)
Come on man... We can roll as a team!
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^
Obviously, I'm Carell. :|